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Wounds Quick View Suffered Many Wounds After Seeing This Film Grade: D-

Source: IMDB

Hello everyone it’s your fellow film critic from Vegas, here at my friends Halloween party. So far this party is... Not lit. I’m sitting on a chair at a corner, drinking a bottled water, bad mumble rap music is blasting non stop... Not having fun. While I’m here trying to find something fun to do other than playing around with a balloon, let’s talk about film shall we? Sounds good! Wounds is the latest Hulu original horror film, only this time around it’s a serious horror film... I mean it was serious, till it fully collapses. After a crazy drama fiasco that went down at a local bar, that is certainly a complete dump that no one would even bother going into. An underage kid left their phone at the local bar, as local bartender Will (Armie Hammer) picks up the phone and decides to go through the phone. Will receives random text messages from a kid that seems to be frighten by something, claiming he needs help. Will goes through the phone some more, as he discovers disturbing images. Now Will and his girlfriend Carrie (Dakota Johnson) are haunted by unknown entities, involving a tunnel. What does a tunnel have to do with anything?!? Well you tell me because I have no idea what any of this is about. Lets get the couple positives out of the way. The cast has given a fair amount of effort, into this poorly written script and poorly written characters. Armie Hammer does a pretty good job as this local bartender, haunted by series of entities and losing his damn mind. He does deliver a strong performance, he can certainly put this on his demo reel for upcoming horror projects he would like to take on. Dakota Johnson playing the uninteresting love interest of Will was fine.... Excuse me for one moment, my pal Cisco has arrived to the party. What a coincidence: Cisco is dressed as a priest, perfect timing because I needed a saving grace at this party, alright back to the review. In my opinion Dakota Johnson’s best scene, which by far is the best scene of horror when she looks dead in front of the computer staring at tunnels... Yes, tunnels are creepy! BOOOOOO! It’s hard to judge Dakota Johnson’s performance here, I mean she barely has anything to work with, but compared to her early days of Fifty Shades... Oh 20 times better for sure than those disaster performances. Zazie Beetz playing the bar tenders favorite customer was fine too, it’s hard to hate Zazie in anything she does really. Last positive I guess were a couple effective creepy moments. Hulu Original films is not off to a hot start. Although with Little Monsters there are some things to like about at least, despite I didn’t like it. With Wounds... Oh boy, this film is a DISASTER. I felt bamboozled after watching this film, as I waited for a well told story to be escalated in this film, as it never happens. I felt the set up for what it was going for wasn’t necessarily bad, it could be a rather interesting effective creepy horror film. As soon as you get an idea what the main premise is... It goes nowhere and I mean NOWHERE. I even felt it completely abandons what the story was going for, near the middle of the film. It all of a sudden becomes a drama, dealing with Will’s struggle maintaining commitment with his current girlfriend, as he wants to be with this other girl... What does this have to do with the weird events, happening with Will and this phone?!? It goes back and forth with Will’s relationship and honestly I could care less about that, it’s extremely uninteresting as I would like to focus more behind the kids, the phone, and that DAMN Tunnel! The characters are poorly developed, we barely know anything about any of the characters in this story except for Will. It’s been a day and I don’t remember anything about these characters, blank on page and blank on my mind. Will is the main character in this film and he is extremely unlikable, nothing but an alcoholic douchebag. The horror element of this film for a rare couple moments is extremely obnoxious and weak. Watching characters get spooked out by watching a random dark tunnel online, in which the audience has no idea what it all means is not scary, it’s actually baffling.... Hold up a couple dudes I went to high school with came in. T’was nice seeing Trenton and some other dude I could never remember their name, but somehow they remember mine. Oh boy Britney still looks hot, glad to see her staying in shape, alright I’m finishing up this review this party maybe going somewhere after all. Back to the story of this film: WHAT HAPPENED?!? It’s a constructive mess, nothing about it works at all. It kind of reminds me of a less interesting version of a film released back in 2006 Bug, that film was an effective psychological thriller based off a well written play. As soon as this film ends... I was extremely pissed off. The way this story is told and you conclude with that whack ending?!? Really?! Everything was leading up to that?! Oh fook off! Speaking of Bug: WHAT WAS THE STUPID BUGS ALL ABOUT?! I’m done talking about this film, such a waste of time. Overall, Wounds is garbage! I don’t recommend this film at all, just watch 2006’s Bug much much better film. Well unlike Wounds, the way this party concluded was better than it started. Thanks Greg for the invite!- Mitch Smietana

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