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  • Writer's pictureStrictly Films

Uncharted; Grade: D

Uncharted tells a story about a bar tender named Nathan Drake (Tom Holland), whom is a history buff as he’s a skilled thief. One night as Nathan steals a expensive bracelet from a customer, he’s acquainted with a stranger named Victor Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg) whom knew Drake’s older son whom was an explorer. Victor has offered Drake to come venture with him on a journey to secure great fortune, fortune as in gold. The two explorers are on their way to some serious booty, however they’ll be much danger ahead, including… TRUST ISSUES!

So for those that don’t know, there is this new way of seeing films in theaters called 4DX. 4DX can be described as something similar to a motion ride attraction, for those of you that live in Vegas, may have experienced this before at Luxor or heck Circus Circus theme park via SpongeBob Ride. Not only is the viewing experience a motion ride attraction, but also there is also neat effects such as wind blowing, water spritzer, and can produce a smell like it was in the film you’re watching. Of course a normal person would never experience a new film you were interested in seeing in this theater like experience, it’s too much of a distraction. The only time you would ever watch a film in 4DX is if you’ve already seen the film or you have absolutely no desire in seeing the film whatsoever and in this case… Uncharted is the perfect example.

I literally thought to myself before even going into this film: I wish I was in Vegas, so I can finally experience 4DX, because I have 0 interest in seeing this in a regular viewing. I knew even before seeing any kind of trailer, that this isn’t a real movie, it’s going to be a theme park attraction and nothing more… Martin Scorsese should be less concerned about Marvel movies, he should be concern about this kind of cinema, because this is not cinema at all.

From a story perspective it’s pretty simple: Explorers are going on a wild adventure, to secure the hidden treasure. We’ve seen this done before on many accounts, as often enough these are films worth seeing in theaters due to entertainment value. But Uncharted… It’s honestly the stupidest film I’ve watched in awhile.

As far as adventure goes… I was extremely surprised on the lack of fun I had while watching this film. The entertainment value is quite boring, like when the first dangerous adventure with regards to the underground tunnel with the church ordeal… I was shocked to see almost an hour and ten minutes down the drain already. I was never on the edge of my seat or having a ball, it honestly felt like a uneventful computer rom game, in fact this reminds me of homework workbook consisting of cartoon characters I did over the summer when I was in grade school. The law of physics and realism is non existent as it causes a major distraction for me, was way too bizarre for my taste on a similar stupidity level of the Fast and Furious franchise.

With regards to the entertainment value: The way this film is shot felt poorly budgeted, as the entire thing felt completely fake. Like the cinematography in majority of these shots, honestly make most of the ventures in the story a whole lot worst, as you can’t take anything seriously, it’s so freaking lame to watch.

The two biggest issues regarding Uncharted: Comedy material and Trust. The comedy material…. It’s the most embarrassing comedy all year long. None of the jokes were ever funny at all, none of the jokes in which were performed by the actors weren’t funny at all… It’s all these quick one and done puns and it’s just torture to sit through.

Trust is a main ingredient to our beloved characters in this story. Trust is hard to follow when it comes to any of these characters: You always have to watch your back, even when you’re venturing out on a journey with anyone because chances are… YOU’LL BE BACKSTABBED!!! The trust ordeal is a massive headache to sit through for countless amount of reasons. It makes the film extremely predictable because you’re for certain that someone will be betrayed, because the film screams it out loud in front of our faces a thousand times over and over again. But the thing that bothers me some… Wouldn’t it just be best, if the characters realize especially while putting teamwork in some of these ventures, that maybe it’s best to put your trust in one another and work together?! Of course all these characters struggle immensely working alone, but the film never establishes the fact these idiots are too stupid to understand, that in order to achieve major fortune… GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND KNOW IT’S BEST TO WORK TOGETHER. It’s just baffling how incredibly stupid all these characters are minus Nathan Drake, like this adventure would be a success if everyone would just being so damn stupid, it’s irritating to watch and the film is never self aware how stupid everyone is.

I don’t think there’s not much else to say considering this isn’t a real movie at all, just wish I was in Vegas to see it in 4DX like it was meant to be seen, on the count this film itself wasn’t taking itself seriously at all for anything.

Overall, Uncharted is BAD! I don’t recommend this film, if you got $25 to blow heck go see it in 4DX, I bet it’s a fun time. -Mitch Smietana

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