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Firestarter; Summer Movie Season starts off… Not Hot. Grade: D-

Before we start this review: I like to give a special Happy BornDay shout out to my great friend D’mon Cotton! Ever since I’ve became friends with him, meeting randomly at the Khalid concert along with Charles and Kevin: He has been an extreme pleasure in my life. The man has been extremely supportive of Strictly Films, has generated joyous memories, and to top it all off… He’s the best wing man I’ve ever had hands down. I hope you have a blessed year my dear friend, continue on your greatness in any area you pursue in, and of course… Keep on shooting!

Summer movie season has begun and here we start off with… Firestarter. Firestarter tells a story about about a dumb and poor college co-ed couple named Andy (Zac Efron) and Vicky (Sydney Lemmon), whom both decided to earn extra cash, they’ll let whacko scientists do tests on them. The tests has given the couple special powers, Andy is able to go through someone’s mind and get them under his control, as Vicky can make objects move from thin air. The couple has a child by the name of Charlie (Ryan Kiera Armstrong), as she also has powers including rage of fire. As Charlie lets her emotions get the best of her all because she got out in dodgeball, as in result she made a bathroom stall exploded… Now this small family is in great danger, as the facility now knows their whereabouts as they hire a hit man named Rainbird (Michael Greyeyes) who ALSO has powers of his own too, as he has to bring them in alive.

I had no idea that this was a remake until my dad had recognized the title, as I looked it up for myself to see if he was right. Not only is this film a remake, but it’s also a Stephen King adaptation, along with it being produced by Blumhouse… Oh boy. My concern isn’t on the fact it’s a Stephen King property even though he’s hit or miss, but a major concern is the fact it’s produced by Blumhouse. You know the ole saying goes?! There is one good Blumhouse horror film, amongst thirty other bad Blumhouse horror films.

Will Firestarter be the good Blumhouse horror film?! The answer is simple: Fuck No, I had low expectations but Good God this movie was TORTURE!

There are a couple positives I will say about Firestarter. The first being I actually liked the intro, when they were going through a quick backstory of the couple and the tests, as to how they got their powers and such. The whole sequence was catered with lovely designed title credits, followed by a fairly executed horror sequence of the lab tests, I liked the cinematography in the sequence as it looked retro. The other positive is that I liked the Score in this film, the music was actually not half bad.

The main problem with Firestarter is the fact this film is dreadfully and I mean DREADFULLY BORING. For the reasonable run time of an hour and thirty minutes… The film felt much more longer that that. The pacing was sufferable, I mean we have like a seven minute scene of the antagonist and I guess some former lab head talking about the girl and what she’s capable of doing… But the whole scene is just so uninteresting, as you’re wondering when is this going to wrap up?!

It amazes me that Firestarter is labeled as a horror film, as it felt like Blumhouse was trying to cash in on the whole superhero façade. Like there’s nothing remotely scary about this film whatsoever, I don’t even think Firestarter had any intentions to be a horror film at all, it’s a just a really boring anti superhero film that is MUCH worse than 2019’s Brightburn. At least the concept of Brightburn was cool and has a couple well executed death sequences to where there is SOMETHING to be offered, Firestarter has absolutely NOTHING to offer and it’s just so freaking PAINFUL to sit through it.

The cast all in all was terrible, there’s not a single good performance in this entire film, everyone looks extremely confused and talks monotone like their fed lines with little to no direction involved. The only performance worth remembering is the antagonist played by Gloria Reuben, the performance is not worth remembering because it’s any good because it’s certainly not, but because Gloria delivers an extremely great impersonation of Kamala Harris. Like her posture, her hair style, and especially her voice… If there is ever a Kamala Harris biopic to be made, Gloria has to play the role I mean she played her great in this movie I suppose.

The story at hand was uninteresting, dull, and of course boring. The third act felt like a massive collapse right before our eyes, as one would hope it would be the most exciting part since a lot is happening, but unfortunately it’s delivered as this one gigantic piece of garbage. Did you enjoy the attempt at humor, with Charlie saying “Liar Liar, Pants on Fire”?!?! Why was this line of dialogue even thought of in this moment?! It felt like this moment would’ve been better suited when she was dealing with the school bully, like why not use that moment appropriately?! It’s just so damn stupid.

I can pin point so many problems with this film, but I guess I’ll end it with mentioning this film has a sequence that is just… Not normal. Charlie accidentally killed a cat, as her and her father Andy are ready to execute a prayer to God. The prayer consists of Andy saying, “God make sure she, he… Or They”… I got nothing else more to say, this film speaks for itself.

Overall, Firestarter is a purely garbage film. I don’t recommend this film at all, thank God I went to a baseball game after today or I would be livid if this what I did on my Saturday. -Mitch Smietana

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