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Artemis Fowl; One of Disney’s Worst Films Ever Existed. Grade: F

Artemis Fowl tells the story about a young boy named Artemis Fowl Jr. (Ferdia Shaw), whom is intelligent and has an ego so big he tells off the school’s dean. Artemis Fowl Sr. (Collin Farrell) is a criminal mastermind, whom believes in fairy’s, leprechauns, dwarfs and all that other nonsense. Artemis Fowl’s dad departs for a business trip, as he never lands at his destination. Artemis Fowl has now been kidnapped, as his ransom calls for a powerful gem called the Aculus or Oculus whatever to be delivered in three days. It’s up to Artemis Fowl Jr. to discover the true and real world of the fairy’s, as he’ll rely on his intelligence to save the day... Sort of.

Artemis Fowl was originally supposed to be in theaters end of summer last year, then it got pushed back to 2020, now has been dumped on Disney Plus... The movie everyone has waited for, made an extraordinary adventure in getting here. Apparently this is based on a popular children’s book series, but honestly I haven’t heard much hype surrounding this project since the trailers dropped last year. I think if you’re a fan of the book series or a beloved movie goer... You’re honestly going to hate this film. I honestly couldn’t find a single redeemable quality of this film, it’s an absolute embarrassment, that I had to change my usual format of review.

Let’s start by the visual aspect of the film... This world looks insanely stupid, like I don’t believe anything that’s going on in this world. Sometimes you can even tell this was digitally put in, as it looks very uneven with the picture displaying on screen. The effects are extremely bad, especially towards the epic conclusion with that gem as it’s laughably bad. I don’t like any of the designs of the fairy’s, dwarfs, and other weird creatures of this world. It either resembles a film that has done it much better in the past or it flat out looks ridiculous. Especially with our antagonist as it’s just a hooded woman with an orange glow on her hand... I don’t know what to say. The Score was bland for my taste. There is this one composed tune played during the scene, where Mulch (Josh Gad) pleads to the queen fairy solider, that if he’s given less jail time that he’ll accomplish the task. The song playing in this scene does not fit the tone of this scene at all, it sounds emotionally over the top as I’m questioning why the hell is this song playing here?!

The cast of this film is dreadful, I wanted to defend Collin Farrell but given the fact he’s in a couple scenes is not good enough. It all starts with Artemis Fowl Jr. played by Ferdia Shaw, the man of the hour, the total badass... HOLY SHIT, this performance is horrible. Now this is Ferdia Shaw’s first performance, so let’s cut a little slack on the kid. However: Whomever the casting director was for this film, casted the wrong kid. This kid was entirely flat in every single scene, as it felt like he was reading off of cue cards. For a character that’s supposed to have a personality and charisma, Ferdia had the same facial expression and the same tone of voice the entire run time. I couldn’t help but laugh at this performance, it’s so bad I actually feel sorry for this kid. You know what’s worst than Ferdia Shaw’s performance?! The character Artemis Fowl Jr, I mean this kid does absolutely NOTHING for the entire run time. There is no character arc for this kid, as off the bat he knows everything and just needs to read a few journal entires, from his father’s journal to fully understand what’s going on. Honestly the only thing this kid does is answer the phone, put sun glasses on, shoots a gun, and surfs the internet... THAT’S IT. This kid is absolutely boring to watch as a character, has no swagger whatsoever.

Josh Gad playing watered down version of Hagrid maybe equally as awful as Artemis Fowl Jr. He displays this weird voice narrating the story, while showing up later on disturbing the audience with his insane jawline, while dirt coming out of his ass... Yes this happens in a kids movie. Disney now offers two nightmares with the actor Josh Gad: An annoying snowman and now a creepy version of Hagrid, make it STOP! Judi Dench playing the fairy queen commander chief of whatever... WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUDI?! She sounds like a cigarette smoker the entire time, first this and now Cats?! Just retire man, don’t go out like this Judi, this isn’t you. I only want to talk about Nonso Anozie, only because of his character The Butler (Yeah yeah he ain’t cutting me in half)... What a lousy side kick character this guy was?! Sure he may be big and strong, but when he’s introduced to being a father, all ounce of respect is out the door with this character. This dude puts his daughter in harms way and when he was about to die, he was embarrassed to cry in front of everyone... WHAT?! You’re about to leave your daughter fatherless at a very young age, what the hell are you embarrassed about crying towards the thought of leaving her behind due to death?! You think it’s not cool to cry about dying, as your daughter will grow up a life, without a dad for the remainder of her life? Seriously this character pisses me off, just every other single character in this God Awful film.

The story of Artemis Fowl doesn’t make any logical sense whatsoever, as you have many more questions than actual answers. Throughout the entire film, characters are given instructive orders to do things. The characters then do something completely different, as I’m trying to figure out why doesn’t the character whom instructed the orders didn’t say anything? A quick example is Mulch given orders to save the fairy, captured by Artemis Fowl’s crew. Mulch instead goes for the hidden safe... How come nobody is telling Mulch that he shouldn’t be doing this?! I don’t care if it’s helping Artemis Fowl, what I do care is this criminal given specific orders to rescue this fairy, so he can reduce his jail sentence, but since he’s going off track no one seems to care?! There are so many scenes like that and it honestly frustrates the living hell out of me.

This film is honestly more centered in getting this captured fairy out of Artemis’ house, than it is about trying to find out where this stupid powerful gem is, so Artemis can save his father. We are shown a good half of this film in this house, as all these fairy’s are acting like it’s the end of the freaking world that one fairy gets caught. Logic goes out the door with that force field thing, as I’m trying to figure out what’s the big deal in this force field?! The fairy that is captured was normal without the force field, why the hell is the force field such a big deal?! The house is literally in the middle of nowhere, no one is going to discover these fairy’s. The Troll scene... WHAT IS THE PURPOSE IS UNLEASHING THIS TROLL IN THE HOUSE?! This wise ass fairy solider, which now he’s suddenly in charge?! I thought Judi Dench was in charge, how the hell is she being sonned by this buffoon?! No one knows, but hey here’s a TROLL! All this was for nothing, just to have the captured fairy get the power to save a human being’s life... Wow thank you movie for giving us an emotional scene, that doesn’t have any significant value in what’s going on.

By the end of the movie, we’re supposed to feel as Artemis Fowl Jr. is ready to take on the big boys, defeating great forces of evil as he claims he’s a “criminal mastermind”... WHAT?! Like I said earlier: THIS KID DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. So when I’m hearing Artemis Fowl Jr. telling lies on the telly, I’m cussing out my TV screen because this little prick didn’t do a single thing, to think he’s top shit. This entire story is nothing but a bunch of nonsense, leading to an embarrassing conclusion, that’s supposed to be epic but honestly it’s just stupid. I hate the characters, I hate the story, I hate the fact it possibly wrecked many lovers of this book series as well.

Overall, Artemis Fowl is one of the worst films of the year and one of the worst Disney films ever made. I highly don’t recommend this film, instead write a letter to Disney and ask them why can’t deliver on original properties anymore?! -Mitch Smietana

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